Animal Magnetism
15 December 2008 08:00
Just when it's too late to exploit his discovery, Dan Rookwood learns that man's best friend is a winner in the pick-up stakes.
I don’t want to seem big-headed, but I can’t walk down the street without people stopping and staring and squealing with delight. Women go crazy; gay guys can’t get enough. It’s embarrassing. All I hear is: “Look! Awww, how cute!” Of course, it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the ball of fluff scampering at my feet. Her name is Millie and she is a Maltese puppy. The cutest, tiniest puppy you will ever see. At least, that’s what the girls and gays say. I didn’t want her. I’m not an “animal person” and have never understood why people go so soppy over their pets.
Let me summarise 18 months of to-and-fro chez Rookwood into one exchange that expedited the debate:
“Dan, can we get a dog?”
“I don’t think so, hon. Now, look at that dress over here.”
“Dan, I really want a little puppy. Can we get one?”
“It’s too much responsibility, and anyway, I think I’m allergic to animals. I’m breaking out in hives just thinking about it.”
“Oh, look how cute that little puppy is. I want …”
“Sam, it’s Not. Going. To. Happen. Now, can you stop going on about it?”
“Dan, can we …”
“No!”
“Can …”
“For fuck’s sake!”
“Dan, let’s move to the UK.”
“Sam, I’ve been thinking. Why don’t we get a dog?”
And so it was that we – or more precisely, I – ended up spending a small fortune on a small dog. I wanted to call her Steve, but was strangely overruled. “Steve” has stuck among some of our more mischievous friends, yet Millie has so far shown no sign of cross-gender confusion or split-personality issues. Adding credence to the belief that dogs often reflect their owners, Millie is a lady after Sam’s own 
heart: she loves handbags, doesn’t do walking or public transport (chauffeur!), refuses to go out in the rain as it might ruin her hair (where are the doggy ghds?) and insists on high-end beauty products (Kiehl’s Cuddly-Coat Grooming Shampoo and Kiehl’s Cuddly-Coat Conditioning Rinse). And she sleeps whenever possible, usually with her mouth open and legs in the air. The similarities are uncanny.
Australia has gone to the dogs. We have the highest number of pets per household in the world. Six out of 10 homes own a pet – 3.6 million of them dogs – states a 2004 Australia Institute report. If I was going to get a pooch – which I wasn’t – I wanted one I could wrestle with, go running with and play fetch with. I wanted a man’s dog, goddamnit. Instead I got a princess. But to everyone’s surprise, not least my own, I have totally and utterly fallen in love.
When Sam went away for work recently, I became a single dad to Millie/Steve. I fed her, toilet trained her, walked her while trying not to look effeminate myself – nigh on impossible, especially when she got too tired and had to be carried. But I quickly realised what an incredible lady magnet a puppy is. Women came running from everywhere wanting to talk to me, play with the dog and flirt shamelessly with both of us.
This is known as Sod’s Law. It’s only now that I am with someone that I discover how to get girls. Writers of schmaltzy rom-coms and advertisers of toilet tissue have known it all along: a puppy is a sure-fire winner.
