Deborah Thomas is the director of media, public affairs and brand development at ACP magazines (which publishes madison). She is a former editor of titles such as Cleo and The Australian Women’s Weekly. Here she chats to Sophie Miura about her decision to invert traditional household gender roles with her husband Vitek after the birth of their son Oscar. She had Oscar in 2002, at the age of 45.
madison: What does money means to you? And has it played a big role in the career choices you have made?
Deborah Thomas: Of course money is important but it has never been the overriding motivation for me to do a particular job. I could have gone into jobs that pay more but I’ve always wanted to have a career that I’ve found interesting. A career where I felt I was constantly learning new things. A career I got excited about doing every day.
madison: What does your husband do?
Deborah Thomas: My husband Vitek has an online boutique vodka company called Vitek Vodka Infusions. He makes fresh flavoured vodkas and sells them. He works from home. Before that he worked as a journalist and wrote a column every week for the Sunday Telegraph. When Oscar came along we made a conscious decision that he would take on the role of primary carer which he could do as well as his work. I was able to earn a bigger salary and as a result become the main breadwinner in our family.
madison: Was that a difficult discussion to have?
Deborah Thomas: No, it just sort of evolved. It was never a conscious decision it was just something that we went along with. And I was never really conscious of our pay differences until we had a child. I’ve always had my own money and he’s had his. We keep separate bank balances because to me it’s always been part of my independence.
When I was growing up, I was always very conscious of being independent, both financially and personally. My mother worked at a time when a lot of women didn’t so I was brought up to believe you needed to be financially independent in order to live the kind of life you wanted – and pick the partner you wanted as well.
madison: Do you think he has ever felt maybe a little bit emasculated by taking on like a ‘stay at home’ role?
Deborah Thomas: He doesn’t sit at home all day looking after a baby or toddler, he runs his business from home. There’s a big difference. His hours are more flexible than mine, so it makes sense. He can finish his work at four, go and get Oscar from school and come back and still work at home while Oscar is doing his homework or playing.
madison: Have you ever felt any social pressure to stay at home?
Deborah Thomas: The pressure usually come from outside with people thinking the mother needs to be there. I think that Oscar loves that his dad is there and he understands that his mum has to works. He has a very special relationship with his father and I think my husband really enjoys his time with him. When I’m at home I’m one hundred per cent there to play, eat, watch TV etc. Oscar is very secure. I only have one child so it makes it a lot easier than if you had more.
madison: Do you think that if your husband was the main breadwinner you would still have separate bank accounts? Do you think it’s a dangerous choice to pool funds?
Deborah Thomas: It doesn’t appeal to me at all. I’ve got friends of mine who run their families both ways. Some couples have separate money and maybe they’ve got one mortgage that they both put money in into. I could not imagine having a joint bank account because then I would be constantly thinking, “Oh god is he noticing that I just spent that ridiculous amount of money on those shoes?” I don’t want that. I think that pooling the money can lead to having arguments. If you have arguments over money, they really start to destroy a relationship. This arrangement works for us.
madison: Do you think that’s helped you both sort of keep some dignity? I think money can bring so many issues…
Deborah Thomas: I think so. And he’s not extravagant, he’s actually very frugal. We are probably at the stage where we’ve looked at what we need and what we don’t need and actually got rid of a lot of stuff. We went from a big house to a smaller apartment, a prestige car to a Prius. And I like that, I like the fact that it’s kind of lean and mean and we can actually have more fun rather than be fixated on owning things. For me the experience is more important than the status item.
Sometimes I’ll sit down and think, “Wow, wouldn’t it be great if we could go on an adventure holiday every year, somewhere amazing together.” We work out our priorities and try and fit those within our means. And it works for us. The thing is I’ve known Vitek for a long time, since I was 24, we were great friends for much of that time, and he’s not a corporate guy. He’s a creative, relaxed, easy-going man.
madison: Did you ever want the traditional mother-at-home life? Or dream of seeing the husband off in the morning and dropping the kids at school?
Deborah Thomas: Never, I couldn’t imagine what I would do with myself all day in that scenario. And I didn’t have it growing up. I put it down to Mum. My mother would use her money to travel overseas she’d come back with amazing albums, clothes and stories from her time away. I knew that she loved working because of the great experiences she could afford herself and us. Also what she and I loved was the fact that she was always really up-to-date with what was happening in the world because she worked with a lot of young people. I was always really proud of my mother because she was always so well informed and well dressed. Remember this was the ‘60s when women went out in moo-moos with curlers in their hair; Mum would come to our school events from the office and she’d always look really smart.
madison: Do you think that there’s more to being a good mother than being there all the time at home?
Deborah Thomas: Yes, I think you need to take care of yourself. If you’re having a fulfilling and happy life then that flows through to your friends and family. We are a tight and loving family. My husband may be with my son a lot more than I am but we all love each other very much. The time that we have together is quality time, and on the weekends we do everything together. The thing is too, being slightly older when I had Oscar, we’ve already done a lot of things like the wild parties, travel to exotic locations etc. We are happy to stay at home and have friends over. I want to be with the people I love and watch them grown and have fun together – that’s why I had Oscar.
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