Madison blogs - The search for The One

Not so long ago, an old friend accidentally sent me into paroxysms of doubt about my relationship. We were at a party and she was gazing at her newly minted husband, who was a drunken blur on the dancefloor. “He’s the kindest man I’ve ever met,” she said. “That’s why I married him.” She paused, tilting her head in thought, her eyes soaked gloopily by love. “But then, you wouldn’t get married if you didn’t think that they were the kindest person in the world, would you? That would be stupid.”

At first I was confused. Could she really be talking about the right man? The one who, a couple of years ago, gave her a real surprise on their anniversary by doing absolutely nothing at all? Then I realised what was happening: still soused in adoration following her recent wedding, my loved-up friend wasn’t gazing at an actual human. She was seeing nothing less than the ultimate, heroic, ideal model of romantic partnerhood. She was seeing The One.

I began to worry. Because I don’t think my fiancée is The One. She’s just the one I happened to fall in love with. And despite her vast array of wonders, I can’t honestly say she’s the kindest person I’ve ever met. Is that wrong? Does it mean that our relationship is doomed for divorce? For a moment, I really wasn’t sure.

It took me a while to understand that what I was witnessing was nothing less than a profound difference between the way that men and women view relationships. Because we guys, generally speaking, don’t believe in The One. We don’t think there’s a single, perfect human out there with whom we’re fated to spend our lives. Most of us aren’t on a bold mission to track down the spotlit goddess that destiny has selected for us. We stumble towards our partners, groping – often literally – through singlehood in a random and chaotic fashion. Our goal, initially, is modest. All we want is someone decently attractive who we can have a laugh with. Then, if things go well, we cross our fingers and hope that what has transpired ends up lasting forever.

My fiancée thinks I’m The One. The pressure is unbelievable. It’s easy enough to sustain the illusion that you’re a minor god in the explosive first months, when the magic is still crackling and your days are spent weightless inside the miracle of you both. But my fiancée and I are now seven years in. We’re crapping with the toilet door open. Every time I’m grumpy; every time I’m not sufficiently attentive to her wedding plans; every time she sees me naked but for a pair of odd socks, I can sense her thinking, “What if I’ve made a mistake? What if he’s not The One after all?”

Belief in The One encapsulates much of what men fear most about women. We’re scared that you need a hero and, despite all our boasting, we know we’re not one of those. What if you finally realise it, too? There’s no coming back from that. You’ll have torn off our mask and unveiled us as a charlatan who has no legal claim on your heart.

The truth is, there’s nothing more corrosive to love than the desire for perfection, because perfection itself is a lie. It’s the drop of poison in the wedding cup that can eventually lead to crippling side effects like disillusionment and contempt. When women close their eyes and imagine spending their lives with The One, they’re fantasising about an eternity blanketed in warmth, protection and good humour; a world in which there’s nothing but you and him. A world where all you have to do to be bathed in the sunshine of his attention is ask. They’re resurrecting the traces of a long-distant memory that was formed when life was exactly like that. When women say they want The One, often what they really want is Dad.

When I argue with my fiancé, I’m not silently comparing her to a fantasy girl who might be out there, somewhere, waiting to rescue me from all my miseries. Because I know she’s not The One, I know that no matter who I’d partnered up with, we’d still fight and sulk and doubt. This is why, for me, not falling for the myth of The One makes my relationship stronger and more romantic. When you know the woman you’re spending a life with is not perfect and you only need to watch her sleep for your heart to swell with the soft hurt of longing, then there’s only one thing you do know for sure. You definitely are in love.