My first Christmas with Sam was a disaster. I didn’t have a clue what to buy her.
By Christmas Eve, I was in a panic. I ended up dropping $700 I didn’t have on a pair of brown leather boots. Why, I don’t know. The thought still makes me cringe. If we’d been together longer, Sam would have been comfortable enough to tell me that she didn’t like them, we could have taken them back to the store, and I could have eaten something other than economy baked beans for the next month.
Instead, she thanked me as convincingly as she could – I’m wise to that wan smile now – and wore them on New Year’s Eve. She’s maybe worn them four times since, out of guilt and in the dark. Otherwise, they have stayed at the back of her wardrobe: a white elephant that won’t let me forget the valuable lesson I learned that year.
However, I am now one of the best non-gay shoppers for gifts I know. If your other half could do with some tips, here is my Christmas present to you …
He doesn’t know your size
Give him a business card-sized crib sheet with your complete vital statistics: dress, shoe, underwear and jeans measurements. Include US and European variations in brackets. For ease of reference, he can keep it in his wallet next to that other card with a load of numbers on it: his credit card.
He doesn’t know what you like
So tell him. Don’t leave him to an uneducated guess because he will end up buying you stuff you don’t want such as some slutty underwear, a game console, a cookery book, a violent and sweary HBO box set and some new iPod speakers. All gifts for you that are actually for him.
Point out things you want in magazines or on TV. Or send him links from your favourite websites. Tell him what perfume you like, what make-up you wear, which underwear is the most comfortable. The more you educate him as to your tastes, the more he
will learn what you like.
He doesn’t like shopping
Make it easy for him. The worst thing you can do is drag him around the mall all day under duress. He will hate it; you will hate it. Far better to go window shopping without him and come back with a pre-prepared list of exactly what you would like and where he can get it. Then he can whip around the shops in just an hour or two and come back with some “surprises”.
You never know, after a while he might get the hang of it, learn what you actually like, and – whisper it – secretly start to enjoy buying you things.
He’s too embarrassed to shop for you
Solution: the internet. A lot of men feel a bit self-conscious when they’re shopping in real life for their partners. But online, no one can hear you squeal like a big girl’s blouse when you buy, err, a girl’s blouse. Once again, you can take
the guesswork out of the equation by sending him a list of web links of items you like in your exact size
and preferred colour.
Some useful clothing websites Sam often brings to my attention include: net-a-porter.com (and cheaper little sister theoutnet.com) for designer clothing and accessories; yoox.com for end-of-season designer buys; celebrity-inspired fashion hub asos.com; topshop.com
and urbanoutfitters.com for high-street bargains; americanapparel.net for basic pieces in a multitude of colours; leblackbook.com.au for styles by home-grown designers; and mix-and-match emporium polyvore.com.
He’s irrevocably hopeless
If all the above is not going to work, then steer away from complicated presents such as clothing and make-up and just concentrate on getting him to learn a few sure-fire winners: Jo Malone scented candles, a Tiffany necklace, a manicure and pedicure or a facial at your local salon, high tea at a fancy hotel, a weekend away somewhere. None of those will gather dust guiltily in the back of your wardrobe …
All of the above doesn’t take the fun out of Christmas, just the risk. Give him a menu of options and he’ll still be able to surprise you − you just massively increase the chances of it being a nice surprise.