A letter to my drunk self
Dear Drunk Ally,
We need to talk. We've been in this relationship together for nearly 10 years and I fear that our partnership has become abusive. There are lots of things about you that I think complement me - you bring out my bravery, honesty and you make me relax. But then again, the side of you that I don’t like is starting to outweigh the good.
You are so disrespectful to my property for one. What am I talking about you ask? Well, how about my phone? I'd had it safely stowed in my handbag for almost two years, and then I entrusted it to you a few Friday nights ago under the assumption that we would only have a couple of quiet drinks. Then low and behold, I arrived home with no phone - and later discovered that my Blackberry was at the bus depot.
And no, that's not a once off. I've given you a budget on numerous occasions, something that it was imperative we follow. But every time I discover that you've either spent the money that I work very hard to earn, on drinks, fatty food (when you knew I was trying to be healthy), or (and this is really upsetting) you've actually dropped it on the ground never to be seen again. And then for the next week I've had to survive on defrosted bread and Continental packet pasta.
Then there's my outfits. I spend a lot of time and care doing my hair and makeup, so why do you seem to want to destroy it? All that ridiculous dancing shakes up my carefully combed and styled strands, and smears my photo ready cosmetics all over my face - I'm not even going to start on the sweat damage. But, most upsetting are my clothes. I actually felt good when I left the house. I gave you everything you needed to look fabulous, and then the next morning the photos tell me that you've squandered my gifts. You were wearing a strapless dress at Lauren’s wedding - that means you have to make sure it's pulled up before you throw your arms in the air for a photo! Luckily my flash was only recorded on the bride’s camera, so she was able to hide the evidence. But who knows who's going to snap it next time!
And that brings me to my reputation and dignity. Do you care about them at all? You dance like a bird being electrocuted, so evidently not. Also, that private information of mine that you told everyone? Well it was a secret for a reason – please remember that in future to save me severe embarrassment.
And you’re so loud and obnoxious that it makes me seem so by association. You know that funny, kind, tall guy I told you I liked? Well that’s not going anywhere thanks to you now is it?
And can I just say for future reference - do not flirt with that boy! If we’re going to continue our relationship, you have to stick to this rule from now on, because you have terrible taste in men and you never remember who I told you to talk to. You always pick the wrong one and give him my number, leaving me with the task of diffusing the situation the next day. Worst. Matchmaker. Ever.
I know you’re probably wondering what’s brought on this confrontation. Well, it’s a book I’m reading actually. You know, a novel? They don’t have them in bars so you wouldn’t recognise one. It’s called High Sobriety by Jill Stark, and it recounts her experience quitting drinking for a year. And let me tell you, she’s really been encouraging me to break up with you. After ditching booze, she says that although at first, comments like "Don’t drink, don’t smoke – what do you do?” made her feel like her identity came down to the sum her substances, and that without them she was charisma-less. Eventually she had the revelation that alcohol was merely a social placebo. She didn’t need it to be relaxed, brave and honest (the qualities I’ve said I admire in you). In fact, she said she discovered she was all of those things in her sober state, only more eloquent and sincere.
So consider this a threat Drunk Ally. I’m seriously reconsidering whether the bad in you outweighs the good. So, you have one last chance. One more stuff up, and I’m losing you for good! I swear… I can do this.
Okay, maybe that was a bit harsh. New Year's is coming up and the thought of being without your company for that is daunting. But, one more stuff up and I’m having AT LEAST a three month break from you (baby steps).
You’ve been warned.
Alexandra Sutton is madison's online assistant.